Tag Archives: unfun

MATCHING UP MARTHA

22 May

martha

Let’s pretend, for the purpose of this blog post, that I am not a slightly neurotic, macaroon-hating, 24-year-old female; but an artisan coffee-guzzling, silver fox with a luxury sedan and a green thumb…and I’m on a quest – for Martha Stewart.

In case you haven’t heard, M.Diddy (as they called her in the clink) is the newest member of Match.com. The 71-year-old mogul is searching for someone who loves “animals, grandchildren, and the outdoors.” What sounds simple enough becomes exceedingly complicated when you factor in international fame and a net worth of over $600 mil. Plan on treating her to a five star meal? She wrote the recipe. In fact, she’s home perfecting it at this very moment – using nothing but namesake, cast-iron cookware from Macy’s.

Courting Martha Stewart seems decidedly unfun. Thus, I had no choice but to propose an itinerary for our first date.

FoodA first date should be low-key, no pressure. Assuming Martha and I will be meeting up in the city, a food truck seems like the perfect choice. Dinner on wheels is all the rage. Not only does it scream hip, it eliminates all accountability. There is a mutual understanding that cramps may ensue; after all, your taco was cooked on a hot plate in the back of a repurposed van.

FunProvided she doesn’t receive an “emergency exit” phone call from her pal Matt Lauer, next stop is the park. What’s more romantic than a sunset stroll? Well, a woman in sensible shoes, of course.

FilmLast stop is a classic… Let’s go to the movies! Specifically, “The Big Wedding.” I’ve taken the liberty of pre-screening for appropriateness, and while the all-star cast does not quite overshadow the lack of both rom and com, Diane Keaton’s still got it. Grab Martha a popcorn and tell her how much she resembles the A-List actress – ladies love compliments.

What do you think…would she call me back?

In all honesty, men must find Martha’s success extremely intimidating… Forget boyfriends – I’d rather find the Gayle to my Oprah.

Unfun Fact: I’ll tell you later.

SUPER GOOP

15 May

gwynethMirror, mirror on the wall, who is the unfunnest of them all? Just because I’ve adopted the term, doesn’t mean I’m leader of the pack.

Gwyneth Paltrow has been getting a whole lot of press recently… People Magazine named her “World’s Most Beautiful Woman 2013,” a week prior she was Star’s “Most Hated Celebrity.” Girlfriend’s got some serious range. Whether or not we need it, the Internet has provided us with much insight into the inner workings of her life. From what I gather, her tapestry is spun of both unknowing pretention and exhausting attempts to be relatable.

Before we choose our sides of the fence – Let’s review some of Gwynnie’s most  recent unfun quotes, shall we?

On cosmetic surgery – “I would be scared to go under the knife, but you know, talk to me when I’m 50. I’ll try anything. Except I won’t do Botox again, because I looked crazy. I looked like Joan Rivers!”

Forget the Joan Rivers diss – Does it strike anyone else as odd, that a woman who consistently preaches an organic lifestyle would inject poison directly into her money maker? One innocent eye lift, and that bitch will be banned from the farmer’s market.

On the Met Gala – “I’m never going again. It was so unfun. It was boiling. It was too crowded. I did not enjoy it at all.”

I thought successfully curating a lifestyle blog and enjoying a good old museum fundraiser went hand in hand – boy was I wrong. Sounds like the only thing more miserable than walking the red carpet in Valentino Haute Couture, is having to endure a Coldplay concert in its entirety.

On lady grooming – “Every time I have a bikini wax, Cameron Diaz holds me down.”

Here is a woman who acknowledges the importance of female friendship…and when it’s not appropriate to name drop Beyoncé.

What do you say…Is it time to pass the torch?

Unfun Fact: Gwyneth Paltrow is the Starburst of A-Lister’s – a juicy contradiction.

Q & A TUESDAY: SCRIPTED

2 Apr

Here’s a classic…

Who would play you in a movie?

Katie Holmes

If this were a quick round of word association, you’d say: unfun actress, I’d say: Jessica Biel. She’s never really seemed like a blast, though her marriage to Justin Timberlake raises a red flag. Mr. Suit and Tie himself recently admitted to “tripping” at Coachella – does this make her free-spirited by association? That’s a risk I can’t take.

I have yet to think of an individual whose being is entirely unfun. Instead, I’ve compiled a list of multi-faceted, A – C-Listers, whose qualities I’d like to cut and paste. Here goes…

  • Mary Kate Olsen. Specifically her attitude toward hair washing.
  • Jessica Simpson. Mostly her unrequited love for snacks and platform sandals.
  • Katie Holmes: I was once told I look like Ms. Holmes. It could be the long brown hair – but it’s likely the consistent frown and propensity to choose frumpy jeans when we think no one’s watching.
  • Amanda Bynes: JK. She’s nuts, retired, busy tweeting.
  • Tabatha Coffey: Nothing screams unfun like an all-black wardrobe and the desire to revive failing FroYo shops.

Now that I think of it, I wouldn’t be opposed to having Flo from Progressive play my feisty BFF. She’s got a dense IMDb page, but can still probably dine in comfortably at Panera Bread…and life is all about balance.

Do you have any other suggestions? Let me know.

SUPERBOWL XLVII: A LESSON IN BADVERTISING

4 Feb

Destiny's Child

I’m not a football fan…I’m sure this comes as no surprise. I did, however, tune in to watch Beyoncé’s halftime performance during this Sunday’s big game. As usual, she did not disappoint – but is anyone else mildly shocked that nobody is discussing the perfection that was Kelly Rowland’s sleek bangs? Anyway, I caught a number of commercials that really set off my unfun radar. These are the 5 that ranked the worst

Milk – Morning Run: What’s even more puzzling than the fact that milk needs advertising, are the three children who just happen to be hanging out in The Rock’s breakfast nook during this commercial. They want cereal, and he’s out of milk – what’s a professional wrestler-turned-actor to do? He ignores a bunch of strangers who need help, as he is on hot pursuit of a milk truck making its way through the city. I don’t know about you, but I’d trust that lion who escaped from the circus before I’d trust a grown man who runs errands in pajama pants…and willingly chugs milk.

Budweiser Black Crown – Celebration: Another Budweiser variety – just what we needed! As far as I can tell, most beer tastes like slightly carbonated dishwater, and the only difference is in the label. Based on the commercial, Bud Black Crown is targeted towards trendsetting millennials who like to wear leather and experiment with gold eye shadow. The upscale vibe they were going for would have probably been better achieved if they didn’t use the theme song from 2 Broke Girls.

Hyundai Sonata Turbo – Stuck: “Why Turbo? Just trust us. It’s better to be in front.” This gem of a commercial points out several scenarios in which you would not want to be stuck behind another vehicle…Butt cracks, dog slobber, exploding fireworks, and questionable green slime. Anyone else have a gut feeling that the front’s just not gonna cut it? Unfortunately, for unfun anxiety-cases like me, this ad acted as a gentle reminder that the only place you are maybe safe is strapped to the couch in your finished basement, watching reruns of Wheel of Fortune.

Subway – Congratulations Jared: It’s been 15 years since Subway’s original spokes model lost all that weight by living solely on Italian BMT’s. In this commercial, a bunch of celebrity athletes (who I only sort-of recognized) get together to congratulate Jared on staying fit. Instead of a cake, they present him with a sparkler-topped, chicken footlong…this would seem like a sweet gesture, if Subway weren’t in the middle of a class action lawsuit. No wonder Jared shed all those LB’s – he was duped into eating 11.5 inch hoagies all this time. The only thing that could have saved this ad is if he and Michael Phelps then dueled out the 200-meter butterfly in a pool full of Chipotle Southwest Sauce.

Go Daddy – Perfect Match: In this awkward doozy, supermodel Bar Refaeli represents the sexy side of GoDaddy.com, while actor Jesse Heiman (aka “Walter”), dressed in traditional nerd attire, represents the smart side. Together they make the, uh, “perfect match.” For me, the sound of making out results in an extremely uncomfortable feeling – one that I can only compare to hearing the word moist used in a sentence. While I wish I’d never even seen this commercial, I have to admit I replayed it three times in order to properly draft this critique. Close your eyes and try to imagine the sound…anyone else picture a kid trying to roll a snowball out of pudding?

Unfun Fact: If you’ve ever spelled Hyundai correctly on the first try, I applaud you.

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