Tag Archives: Match.com

MATCHING UP MARTHA

22 May

martha

Let’s pretend, for the purpose of this blog post, that I am not a slightly neurotic, macaroon-hating, 24-year-old female; but an artisan coffee-guzzling, silver fox with a luxury sedan and a green thumb…and I’m on a quest – for Martha Stewart.

In case you haven’t heard, M.Diddy (as they called her in the clink) is the newest member of Match.com. The 71-year-old mogul is searching for someone who loves “animals, grandchildren, and the outdoors.” What sounds simple enough becomes exceedingly complicated when you factor in international fame and a net worth of over $600 mil. Plan on treating her to a five star meal? She wrote the recipe. In fact, she’s home perfecting it at this very moment – using nothing but namesake, cast-iron cookware from Macy’s.

Courting Martha Stewart seems decidedly unfun. Thus, I had no choice but to propose an itinerary for our first date.

FoodA first date should be low-key, no pressure. Assuming Martha and I will be meeting up in the city, a food truck seems like the perfect choice. Dinner on wheels is all the rage. Not only does it scream hip, it eliminates all accountability. There is a mutual understanding that cramps may ensue; after all, your taco was cooked on a hot plate in the back of a repurposed van.

FunProvided she doesn’t receive an “emergency exit” phone call from her pal Matt Lauer, next stop is the park. What’s more romantic than a sunset stroll? Well, a woman in sensible shoes, of course.

FilmLast stop is a classic… Let’s go to the movies! Specifically, “The Big Wedding.” I’ve taken the liberty of pre-screening for appropriateness, and while the all-star cast does not quite overshadow the lack of both rom and com, Diane Keaton’s still got it. Grab Martha a popcorn and tell her how much she resembles the A-List actress – ladies love compliments.

What do you think…would she call me back?

In all honesty, men must find Martha’s success extremely intimidating… Forget boyfriends – I’d rather find the Gayle to my Oprah.

Unfun Fact: I’ll tell you later.

UNFUN WEEKLY ROUNDUP [02.08.13]

8 Feb

FIVEEternal Flame: A Russian man named Ruslan met his girlfriend Lesya in a chat room – where they fell “head over heels” in love. Upon meeting in Moscow for the first time, they decided they would get married, and within 24 hours it was official…Ruslan had tattooed his name on her face in 5-inch gothic script. Most people are criticizing her decision; saying she will certainly regret this body art later in life. Maybe she will, maybe she won’t – but can we at least take a minute to appreciate that this is essentially an episode of Catfish gone right?FOURCBS vs. Sideboob: Grammy producers have reportedly sent notices regarding proper dress to all of this year’s attendees. Thongs, sideboob, and butt cracks are off limits – but the best line of all went something like this: “Please avoid sheer see-through clothing that could possibly expose female breast nipples. Please be sure the genital region is adequately covered so that there is no visible ‘puffy’ bare skin exposure.” I think we can all agree that somewhere, Rihanna is rolling a blunt her eyes, while J.Lo pats herself on the back for being so ahead of the curve.

THREEHome Remedy: Michelle Phan is one of those YouTube beauty experts – you know, the type who uploads tutorials on clip-in bangs and the how to identify the perfect blush brush. These videos are oddly addicting…one curious click on “How to Top Knot” and you’re getting shit done for the rest of the afternoon. One clip I’m not so sure about? Kitty Litter Facial Mask.  She claims a $2 bag of unscented cat litter (which will last you up to a year) is made of bentonite clay, the same ingredient in expensive, purifying spa treatments. This may be true, but I’m not cool with smelling like a feline wee-wee pad. PASS.

TWOBuffets for Days: The Paula Deen Cruise Line has recently returned from its fifth journey. Okay…let me give you a second to digest the fact that Paula effing Deen has her own cruise line. This may be slightly old news, but it came to my attention after her assistant made recent headlines for tweeting, “This is a floating nursing home!!!!” from aboard the ship. A seemingly magical opportunity went downhill fast when I found out none of Paula’s butter-laden recipes were scheduled to be served. The only thing that could potentially save this vacation is if each stateroom came with a complimentary cobbler candle.

ONEIs that a Mirror in your Chinos: Come Valentine’s Day, Match.com will be hosting events at Banana Republic locations as part of their new “Love” campaign. The meet-and-greet mixers will take place in cities like New York, Chicago, Los Angeles, and San Francisco. Of all the places to meet singles in such large metropolitan areas, this business casual oasis known to anchor strip malls really seems most desirable. I hope they hire a DJ in order to drown out titillating discussions regarding dry clean only trousers and feelings toward J.Crew. Cheers to getting lucky in love!

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