Tag Archives: dating

MATCHING UP MARTHA

22 May

martha

Let’s pretend, for the purpose of this blog post, that I am not a slightly neurotic, macaroon-hating, 24-year-old female; but an artisan coffee-guzzling, silver fox with a luxury sedan and a green thumb…and I’m on a quest – for Martha Stewart.

In case you haven’t heard, M.Diddy (as they called her in the clink) is the newest member of Match.com. The 71-year-old mogul is searching for someone who loves “animals, grandchildren, and the outdoors.” What sounds simple enough becomes exceedingly complicated when you factor in international fame and a net worth of over $600 mil. Plan on treating her to a five star meal? She wrote the recipe. In fact, she’s home perfecting it at this very moment – using nothing but namesake, cast-iron cookware from Macy’s.

Courting Martha Stewart seems decidedly unfun. Thus, I had no choice but to propose an itinerary for our first date.

FoodA first date should be low-key, no pressure. Assuming Martha and I will be meeting up in the city, a food truck seems like the perfect choice. Dinner on wheels is all the rage. Not only does it scream hip, it eliminates all accountability. There is a mutual understanding that cramps may ensue; after all, your taco was cooked on a hot plate in the back of a repurposed van.

FunProvided she doesn’t receive an “emergency exit” phone call from her pal Matt Lauer, next stop is the park. What’s more romantic than a sunset stroll? Well, a woman in sensible shoes, of course.

FilmLast stop is a classic… Let’s go to the movies! Specifically, “The Big Wedding.” I’ve taken the liberty of pre-screening for appropriateness, and while the all-star cast does not quite overshadow the lack of both rom and com, Diane Keaton’s still got it. Grab Martha a popcorn and tell her how much she resembles the A-List actress – ladies love compliments.

What do you think…would she call me back?

In all honesty, men must find Martha’s success extremely intimidating… Forget boyfriends – I’d rather find the Gayle to my Oprah.

Unfun Fact: I’ll tell you later.

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TUF Love Vol. 001 [date drinkin’]

12 Mar

Dear UnFun Friend,

I think I might have got myself into a pickle. I have a date this weekend and my suitor has already told me that we are going out for dinner and then drinks afterwards at this swanky downtown bar. My problem isn’t with dinner, I already know that I’m going to order the hummus plate and the roasted chicken. However, when it comes to the drinks afterwards, I think I might have some life changing decisions to make. Could you please advise me on what drinks I could stay away from, and what drinks will let my potential lover know what kind of girl I really am?

Yours Always,

Berta

Hi Berta,

I’m glad you’ve already decided on your dinner order. Having a plan of attack in mind always helps to eliminate any pre-date jitters. Less time spent reviewing the menu also allows for more time exchanging pleasantries and engaging in small talk about things like weather and last night’s episode of American Idol. However, hummus and roasted chicken sounds like a total snooze fest, so you’re going to have to liven up the beverage choices if you want to get lucky.

Sangria, Mojito, Espresso Martini

Sangria – Sangria is typically my go-to drink. Recipes differ slightly depending on the bar, so you are always in for a fun surprise. Rest assured there will be some sort of fruit salad floating among your ice cubes. What a treat.

Mojito – A cocktail isn’t a cocktail without garnish, and lucky for you mojitos are full of it. Muddled mint and limes create the ultimate tropical fiesta in your mouth. Close your eyes and you may even imagine you’re on your future honeymoon at Sandals resort.

Espresso Martini – You licked your dinner plate clean…now what? Ordering a dessert could seem over-indulgent – but not if it’s in liquid form! In my opinion, espresso martinis trump chocolate lava cake any day. They probably have the same number of calories, anyways. Cheers!

Cosmo, Gin, Zinfandel

Cosmopolitan – Ordering a Cosmo suggests that you spent most of the 2000’s addicted to Sex and the City. This lets your date know that you probably have a skewed perception of female friendship, life in the Big Apple, and the affordability of designer footwear.

Gin & Tonic – There are plenty of different types of gin. They all smell like pine trees.

White Zinfandel – Is it white? Is it red? Pink, maybe? White Zinfandel lends itself to much confusion. Everybody knows red wine is better for your heart. I would avoid ordering this – you don’t want to seem on the fence about cardiovascular health.

Beer

Beer – This one’s tough. Craft beer suggests you are open-minded, willing to try new things, even worldly. While these characteristics look great on college applications, I’m not sure how they fare on first dates. Beers like PBR and Natty Light, on the other hand, suggest that you’ve probably spent one too many nights at a frat party. It’s also likely that you have the ability to belch louder than your date…so be careful.

Last Minute Advice: Have fun, but most importantly don’t order anything that ends in “bomb.”

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