Tag Archives: cheeseburgers


10 Jul

John Hancock Twitter

Fourth of July has long since been one of my favorite celebrations…. And, through the existential experiment that is this blog, I’ve finally been able to put my finger on why.

Modern day technology is absolutely terrifying – rather, I find it terrifying. Books are no longer made of paper; cars will be driving themselves within the next decade; and the only thing we’ll still be responsible for is remembering to brush our teeth every morning – although it won’t really matter because we have Skype.

The most nightmarish of all, though, is Google Glass…Nobody knows more about you than Google. Sure, the less-than-fashion-forward accessory is still in the research and development phase, (prototypes were distributed only to select applicants) but it’s only a matter of time. Soon that little friend we keep around, if only to avoid blackmail, will rest comfortably upon our temple. One wrong roll of the retina and every one of your contacts will hear about the time you asked her how zero-calorie soda works; what Kim Kardashian looks like without a weave; and at what time of day public restrooms are cleanest. Careful next time you confide in that bitch.

But – back to the topic at hand: Independence Day. When it comes to holidays, I’m not sure how meaning is translated to tradition, but any excuse to eat a bacon-wrapped cheeseburger aside from, “Hey, it’s Sunday!” works for me. While I could do without the parades, give me a healthy dose of Vitamin D and 20 minutes worth of medium-grade pyrotechnics, and you’ve got the highlight of my year. No gifts, no gadgets, just lots of DEET-free bug spray…the way our Founding Fathers would’ve wanted it. If John Adams had Twitter, I’d like to believe his bio would read “Keep It Simple, Stupid.” John Hancock’s? “Long Live Penmanship.”

Just think, someday someone will be able to go back and thank them.

Unfun Fact: I prefer my inventions much more “low-stakes.” Cronut, anyone?



12 Oct


Makeunder, Makeover: Great News – Wendy’s is updating their logo for the first time in 30 years. Overall, the image has been simplified, and the portrait of Wendy is said to look slightly older and more approachable. If they really wanted to bring her look into the 21st century, they would have ditched the pig tails for a sock bun. Provided nobody else finds a finger in their chili, I’ll be there for the big reveal.FOUR

The Rhythm is Gonna Get You: Sometimes you need to hit the Zumba studio and just shake the stress away. If you choose to do so in Kennebunk, Maine you might get more than you bargained for. A local fitness instructor has been accused of offering Latin-inspired dance classes with a little somethin’ on the side. (This is the polite way of saying it may have been a brothel.) I bet you never thought you could feel overdressed in a pair of Lululemon’s, huh?


What is Love?:  Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman recently announced their plan to divorce after 30 years of marriage.  Some sources speculate DeVito had a wandering eye, and was constantly flirting with younger women. I have to ask – what kinds of women were flirting back? It’s a good thing Matilda moved in with Miss Honey when she had the chance… Ultimately, this news is very discouraging. I think we can all agree that Ice T and CoCo really are our only hope.

TWOCheck out that Rock: Astronomers have discovered a nearby planet dubbed “55 Cancri e.” It is two times the size of Earth at least one third of its mass is composed of pure diamond. I give it a week before Lindsay Lohan steals it in attempt to pay off her mom Dina’s mortgage…Are there nightclubs on Mars?

ONEInsta-GRAMMY: Fat Joe just released a new app-inspired track called Instagram That Hoe, featuring Rick Ross and Juicy J. (Listen here.) If this doesn’t go platinum, I don’t know what will. Some noteworthy lyrics include “Instagram that jet, Instagram these kicks…” Who knew he and his hip-hop entourage were such big fans of vintage inspired photo filters? Fat Joe, if you’re reading – which is more slimming, Toaster or Kelvin?

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