Tag Archives: Botox

SUPER GOOP

15 May

gwynethMirror, mirror on the wall, who is the unfunnest of them all? Just because I’ve adopted the term, doesn’t mean I’m leader of the pack.

Gwyneth Paltrow has been getting a whole lot of press recently… People Magazine named her “World’s Most Beautiful Woman 2013,” a week prior she was Star’s “Most Hated Celebrity.” Girlfriend’s got some serious range. Whether or not we need it, the Internet has provided us with much insight into the inner workings of her life. From what I gather, her tapestry is spun of both unknowing pretention and exhausting attempts to be relatable.

Before we choose our sides of the fence – Let’s review some of Gwynnie’s most  recent unfun quotes, shall we?

On cosmetic surgery – “I would be scared to go under the knife, but you know, talk to me when I’m 50. I’ll try anything. Except I won’t do Botox again, because I looked crazy. I looked like Joan Rivers!”

Forget the Joan Rivers diss – Does it strike anyone else as odd, that a woman who consistently preaches an organic lifestyle would inject poison directly into her money maker? One innocent eye lift, and that bitch will be banned from the farmer’s market.

On the Met Gala – “I’m never going again. It was so unfun. It was boiling. It was too crowded. I did not enjoy it at all.”

I thought successfully curating a lifestyle blog and enjoying a good old museum fundraiser went hand in hand – boy was I wrong. Sounds like the only thing more miserable than walking the red carpet in Valentino Haute Couture, is having to endure a Coldplay concert in its entirety.

On lady grooming – “Every time I have a bikini wax, Cameron Diaz holds me down.”

Here is a woman who acknowledges the importance of female friendship…and when it’s not appropriate to name drop Beyoncé.

What do you say…Is it time to pass the torch?

Unfun Fact: Gwyneth Paltrow is the Starburst of A-Lister’s – a juicy contradiction.

UNFUN WEEKLY ROUNDUP [03.08.13]

8 Mar

FIVEHot n’ Fresh out the White House: In January 2003, R. Kelly blessed us with a little ditty called “Ignitionthe remix. On its tenth anniversary, petitioners have asked President Obama to change our country’s NATIONAL ANTHEM to this hit single. The petition, which currently has over 8,000 signatures, asks for “an anthem that better suits the glorious nation we have become.” First of all, I didn’t even know we had the option to nix “The Star Spangled Banner.” I propose a mash-up…land of the free; home of the after party.

FOURBurning Up: Hate wrinkles, but aren’t keen on Nicole Kidman’s level of expressionlessness? Skip the Botox, and try a Huǒ liáo treatment. This trendy Chinese spa practice consists of soaking a towel in alcohol and “secret elixir,” then lighting it on fire. Aside from crow’s feet, this allegedly helps combat dry skin, dullness, and sagging. This kind of shit makes bird poop eye cream seem like child’s play, if you ask me…Chances are Huǒ liáo won’t leave you looking frozen – if anything, you’ll melt.

THREETay Tay vs. Tina: My distaste for Taylor Swift has probably become apparent through various installments of Unfun Weekly Roundup…I don’t mean to sound like a hater, but girlfriend is such a dummy. Remember when Tina Fey and Amy Poehler joked about her dating life during the Golden Globes? The ever-heartbroken songstress responded with a Madeleine Albright quote she heard via Katie Couric: “There is a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women.” I’ll gladly pass though the fiery gates, if it means I can watch Mean Girls on a loop, and never, ever hear “Love Story” again.

TWOTotal Recall: If your weekend plans included reservations at IKEA Restaurant – cancel them; there’s shit on the menu. Literally. A recent batch of almond cakes that were set to be sold in stores failed to pass a quality inspection, as they contained an “excessive level of coliform bacteria.” Coliform is a type of bacteria that can be found in soil, vegetation, water, and yeah…poop. I’m into IKEA, and don’t want to tarnish their rep – but as someone who furnished their entire college apartment for like $112 dollars, I never expected them to be Zagat rated.  Get your futon, and get the hell out.

ONEWiener Snitch-zel: There are two types of people – those who find Jessica Simpson’s lack of filter completely endearing, and those who hate platform sandals. Either way, there’s no denying that she’s just outdone herself. On Wednesday night’s episode of Jimmy Kimmel Live, the singer-turned-designer accidentally revealed the sex of her baby. Ever so eloquently, she stated, “I just feel awful, I’ve been vomiting. The crazy thing is, I never knew that a wiener could actually make me nauseous.” Big reveal aside (‘cause who really gives a shit), how do we feel about a 32 year old woman using the word wiener? Cosmo’s not even guilty of that.

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