UNFUN WEEKLY ROUNDUP [SOMETIME LAST WEEK]

8 Apr

I know I typically post the Unfun Weekly Roundup on Friday, but hey – there are no rules. (At least that’s what I would say had I been cast as a free-spirit.) Honestly though, some of this news was just too shitty to let slip by…FIVEGoing for Gold: Word on the street is – Ryan Lochte wants Kim Kardashian’s life. Who needs 11 Olympic medals, when you could be an exotic fur-wearing globetrotter, spending your afternoons promoting milkshakes and sunless tanner? Lochte, who will be starring in an upcoming reality TV show on E! explained, “Kim started from pretty much nothing, and now everyone everywhere knows who she is. That’s what I want to do.” A good first step is adding Ray J to your LinkedIn network.

FOURGosling for Life: Ryan Cabrera got a new tattoo – a portrait of Ryan Gosling’s face on his calf. Let me take a minute to refresh your memory…Ryan Cabrera was that guy with the hair who sang “On the Way Down” and dated Ashlee Simpson. Apparently he was taking part in the ol’ pastime dubbed tattoo roulette. It’s when you choose the design for your friend’s tattoo and then blindfold them until it’s finished. This is slightly dumber than it is unfun, but hey, he can always cover it up with a handsome tribal band.

THREEMy Kind of Thief: A 34 year-old Illinois man was arrested by New Jersey police with 21 tons of stolen Muenster…that’s like 3 adult male elephants if you need a point of reference when it comes to weight. The man obtained the cheese when he provided false paperwork to K&K Cheese in Wisconsin. With a refrigerated truck and $200,000 worth of product, he set off with the dream of selling it at a discounted price to the black market along the east coast. Ultimately the cheese will be inspected and remitted to local charities. It sure is someone’s lucky day…I bet black market cheese tastes so much better.

TWOAbout to Blow: Three extreme kayakers recently headed to Hawaii to film a segment for the Brazilian TV show Kaiak. Their expedition included paddling thorough a red-hot lava river next to the Kilauea Volcano – one of the world’s most active. The ocean was said to be so hot it could burn your hands (if you were curious enough to stick ‘em in.) I once bought a kayak from DICK’S Sporting Goods, and I’d be surprised if it withstood the temperature of my dishwasher – so shout out to their manufacturer! Also, do you think adrenaline junkies filter their Plenty of Fish searches strictly to licensed EMT’s?ONE

Sheer Disaster: Sheree Waterson, Lululemon’s Chief Product Officer, has resigned following last month’s shocking yoga pant recall. Approximately 17% of all women’s pants within stores were see-through. The company released the following statement, “We want you to Down Dog and Crow with confidence and we felt these pants didn’t measure up.” I never actually Down Dog in my yoga pants, but I would be embarrassed if I unknowingly exposed myself at brunch…Just kidding, those bad boys are way too comfortable to care. Namaste, girl.

Q & A TUESDAY: SCRIPTED

2 Apr

Here’s a classic…

Who would play you in a movie?

Katie Holmes

If this were a quick round of word association, you’d say: unfun actress, I’d say: Jessica Biel. She’s never really seemed like a blast, though her marriage to Justin Timberlake raises a red flag. Mr. Suit and Tie himself recently admitted to “tripping” at Coachella – does this make her free-spirited by association? That’s a risk I can’t take.

I have yet to think of an individual whose being is entirely unfun. Instead, I’ve compiled a list of multi-faceted, A – C-Listers, whose qualities I’d like to cut and paste. Here goes…

  • Mary Kate Olsen. Specifically her attitude toward hair washing.
  • Jessica Simpson. Mostly her unrequited love for snacks and platform sandals.
  • Katie Holmes: I was once told I look like Ms. Holmes. It could be the long brown hair – but it’s likely the consistent frown and propensity to choose frumpy jeans when we think no one’s watching.
  • Amanda Bynes: JK. She’s nuts, retired, busy tweeting.
  • Tabatha Coffey: Nothing screams unfun like an all-black wardrobe and the desire to revive failing FroYo shops.

Now that I think of it, I wouldn’t be opposed to having Flo from Progressive play my feisty BFF. She’s got a dense IMDb page, but can still probably dine in comfortably at Panera Bread…and life is all about balance.

Do you have any other suggestions? Let me know.

UNFUN HALL OF FAME: PROBIOTICS

21 Mar

Yogurt.

There is so much hype surrounding probiotic yogurt, you probably wonder how we ever got by without it…The thought occasionally crosses my mind, too. It’s important to remind yourself that we’ve also thrived as a society before the inception of baked kale chips – so all is not lost.

In short, probiotics are a type of good bacteria that help support digestion and boost the immune system. You could easily ingest a supplement via gel cap; but according to prime time television, two to three fructose-filled helpings of Greek yogurt per day are much more enjoyable. Not to mention, everyone in the office will come to find the only thing regular is what’s in your lunch bag.

Popular brand, Chobani, refers to the probiotics in their product as “Live and Active Cultures…” If we’re gonna go ahead and personify them; I imagine a live and active culture might resemble that green Mucinex guy – a friendlier, distant cousin; much more skilled in managing your Outlook Calendar. They must travel in herds…sliding down the wall of one’s small intestine yelling things like:

“Jaime Lee sent us!”  “Let’s get this party started!” “Dance like John Stamos is watching!”

Sound like fun to you? By all means, hit the dairy aisle. I’ve never been much of a social butterfly, so I guess I’ll have to let nature take its course.

Unfun Fact: Can’t start the Paleo diet till I wean myself off of whole-milk Macchiatos.

Q & A TUESDAY: LITE SNACKIN’

12 Mar

Hi Unfun Friend,

It’s my turn to provide refreshments for Book Club. Per the Zeitgeist, our current selection is Gone Girl, by Gillian Flynn (…just in case this at all impacts the menu.) I think I could use some suggestions.

Help!

Lily

mug cakes

Hey Lily,

First off I’d like to congratulate you on your pick…The Hunger Games would have been a real red flag. But let’s cut to the chase, if you sincerely wanted to prepare the best of snacks to your devout members – well, you would have hit up a gluten-free baking blog. Writing to me means you want something slightly unfun, with a bitchy aftertaste.

You joined a book club to be social right? Maybe you wanted to meet some new people. What better way to acknowledge your appreciation for these monthly get-togethers than to offer the loneliest snack in town? That’s right; mug cakes…Mug cakes are the latest Pinterest trend. One quick click in the Search bar and you’re greeted with endless sweatpants-on-a-Friday quality possibilities. Throw a couple packets of Splenda, some flour, and an egg in your favorite coffee cup; microwave for five minutes and VOILA – a makeshift cake for one. Depending on oven wattage, your meeting may run 30 to 40 minutes over its allotted time.

I can’t promise these treats taste good, but it feels a lot better eating them in a group. I also should warn you that upon ingestion, Gone Girl may be thrown completely out the window in favor of forming a Lifetime Movie Watchers Club. Either way – you’re spending time with the ones you love…and maybe even acquaintances!

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