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MATCHING UP MARTHA

22 May

martha

Let’s pretend, for the purpose of this blog post, that I am not a slightly neurotic, macaroon-hating, 24-year-old female; but an artisan coffee-guzzling, silver fox with a luxury sedan and a green thumb…and I’m on a quest – for Martha Stewart.

In case you haven’t heard, M.Diddy (as they called her in the clink) is the newest member of Match.com. The 71-year-old mogul is searching for someone who loves “animals, grandchildren, and the outdoors.” What sounds simple enough becomes exceedingly complicated when you factor in international fame and a net worth of over $600 mil. Plan on treating her to a five star meal? She wrote the recipe. In fact, she’s home perfecting it at this very moment – using nothing but namesake, cast-iron cookware from Macy’s.

Courting Martha Stewart seems decidedly unfun. Thus, I had no choice but to propose an itinerary for our first date.

FoodA first date should be low-key, no pressure. Assuming Martha and I will be meeting up in the city, a food truck seems like the perfect choice. Dinner on wheels is all the rage. Not only does it scream hip, it eliminates all accountability. There is a mutual understanding that cramps may ensue; after all, your taco was cooked on a hot plate in the back of a repurposed van.

FunProvided she doesn’t receive an “emergency exit” phone call from her pal Matt Lauer, next stop is the park. What’s more romantic than a sunset stroll? Well, a woman in sensible shoes, of course.

FilmLast stop is a classic… Let’s go to the movies! Specifically, “The Big Wedding.” I’ve taken the liberty of pre-screening for appropriateness, and while the all-star cast does not quite overshadow the lack of both rom and com, Diane Keaton’s still got it. Grab Martha a popcorn and tell her how much she resembles the A-List actress – ladies love compliments.

What do you think…would she call me back?

In all honesty, men must find Martha’s success extremely intimidating… Forget boyfriends – I’d rather find the Gayle to my Oprah.

Unfun Fact: I’ll tell you later.

UNFUN WEEKLY ROUNDUP [03.08.13]

8 Mar

FIVEHot n’ Fresh out the White House: In January 2003, R. Kelly blessed us with a little ditty called “Ignitionthe remix. On its tenth anniversary, petitioners have asked President Obama to change our country’s NATIONAL ANTHEM to this hit single. The petition, which currently has over 8,000 signatures, asks for “an anthem that better suits the glorious nation we have become.” First of all, I didn’t even know we had the option to nix “The Star Spangled Banner.” I propose a mash-up…land of the free; home of the after party.

FOURBurning Up: Hate wrinkles, but aren’t keen on Nicole Kidman’s level of expressionlessness? Skip the Botox, and try a Huǒ liáo treatment. This trendy Chinese spa practice consists of soaking a towel in alcohol and “secret elixir,” then lighting it on fire. Aside from crow’s feet, this allegedly helps combat dry skin, dullness, and sagging. This kind of shit makes bird poop eye cream seem like child’s play, if you ask me…Chances are Huǒ liáo won’t leave you looking frozen – if anything, you’ll melt.

THREETay Tay vs. Tina: My distaste for Taylor Swift has probably become apparent through various installments of Unfun Weekly Roundup…I don’t mean to sound like a hater, but girlfriend is such a dummy. Remember when Tina Fey and Amy Poehler joked about her dating life during the Golden Globes? The ever-heartbroken songstress responded with a Madeleine Albright quote she heard via Katie Couric: “There is a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women.” I’ll gladly pass though the fiery gates, if it means I can watch Mean Girls on a loop, and never, ever hear “Love Story” again.

TWOTotal Recall: If your weekend plans included reservations at IKEA Restaurant – cancel them; there’s shit on the menu. Literally. A recent batch of almond cakes that were set to be sold in stores failed to pass a quality inspection, as they contained an “excessive level of coliform bacteria.” Coliform is a type of bacteria that can be found in soil, vegetation, water, and yeah…poop. I’m into IKEA, and don’t want to tarnish their rep – but as someone who furnished their entire college apartment for like $112 dollars, I never expected them to be Zagat rated.  Get your futon, and get the hell out.

ONEWiener Snitch-zel: There are two types of people – those who find Jessica Simpson’s lack of filter completely endearing, and those who hate platform sandals. Either way, there’s no denying that she’s just outdone herself. On Wednesday night’s episode of Jimmy Kimmel Live, the singer-turned-designer accidentally revealed the sex of her baby. Ever so eloquently, she stated, “I just feel awful, I’ve been vomiting. The crazy thing is, I never knew that a wiener could actually make me nauseous.” Big reveal aside (‘cause who really gives a shit), how do we feel about a 32 year old woman using the word wiener? Cosmo’s not even guilty of that.

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