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LAND OF THE FREE, HOME OF THE ROBOT

10 Jul

John Hancock Twitter

Fourth of July has long since been one of my favorite celebrations…. And, through the existential experiment that is this blog, I’ve finally been able to put my finger on why.

Modern day technology is absolutely terrifying – rather, I find it terrifying. Books are no longer made of paper; cars will be driving themselves within the next decade; and the only thing we’ll still be responsible for is remembering to brush our teeth every morning – although it won’t really matter because we have Skype.

The most nightmarish of all, though, is Google Glass…Nobody knows more about you than Google. Sure, the less-than-fashion-forward accessory is still in the research and development phase, (prototypes were distributed only to select applicants) but it’s only a matter of time. Soon that little friend we keep around, if only to avoid blackmail, will rest comfortably upon our temple. One wrong roll of the retina and every one of your contacts will hear about the time you asked her how zero-calorie soda works; what Kim Kardashian looks like without a weave; and at what time of day public restrooms are cleanest. Careful next time you confide in that bitch.

But – back to the topic at hand: Independence Day. When it comes to holidays, I’m not sure how meaning is translated to tradition, but any excuse to eat a bacon-wrapped cheeseburger aside from, “Hey, it’s Sunday!” works for me. While I could do without the parades, give me a healthy dose of Vitamin D and 20 minutes worth of medium-grade pyrotechnics, and you’ve got the highlight of my year. No gifts, no gadgets, just lots of DEET-free bug spray…the way our Founding Fathers would’ve wanted it. If John Adams had Twitter, I’d like to believe his bio would read “Keep It Simple, Stupid.” John Hancock’s? “Long Live Penmanship.”

Just think, someday someone will be able to go back and thank them.

Unfun Fact: I prefer my inventions much more “low-stakes.” Cronut, anyone?

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SUPER GOOP

15 May

gwynethMirror, mirror on the wall, who is the unfunnest of them all? Just because I’ve adopted the term, doesn’t mean I’m leader of the pack.

Gwyneth Paltrow has been getting a whole lot of press recently… People Magazine named her “World’s Most Beautiful Woman 2013,” a week prior she was Star’s “Most Hated Celebrity.” Girlfriend’s got some serious range. Whether or not we need it, the Internet has provided us with much insight into the inner workings of her life. From what I gather, her tapestry is spun of both unknowing pretention and exhausting attempts to be relatable.

Before we choose our sides of the fence – Let’s review some of Gwynnie’s most  recent unfun quotes, shall we?

On cosmetic surgery – “I would be scared to go under the knife, but you know, talk to me when I’m 50. I’ll try anything. Except I won’t do Botox again, because I looked crazy. I looked like Joan Rivers!”

Forget the Joan Rivers diss – Does it strike anyone else as odd, that a woman who consistently preaches an organic lifestyle would inject poison directly into her money maker? One innocent eye lift, and that bitch will be banned from the farmer’s market.

On the Met Gala – “I’m never going again. It was so unfun. It was boiling. It was too crowded. I did not enjoy it at all.”

I thought successfully curating a lifestyle blog and enjoying a good old museum fundraiser went hand in hand – boy was I wrong. Sounds like the only thing more miserable than walking the red carpet in Valentino Haute Couture, is having to endure a Coldplay concert in its entirety.

On lady grooming – “Every time I have a bikini wax, Cameron Diaz holds me down.”

Here is a woman who acknowledges the importance of female friendship…and when it’s not appropriate to name drop Beyoncé.

What do you say…Is it time to pass the torch?

Unfun Fact: Gwyneth Paltrow is the Starburst of A-Lister’s – a juicy contradiction.

IN MY HEAD

11 Apr

EinsteinToday I had the opportunity to attend an event at work called Engaging Both Sides of the Brain. Throughout the two hour seminar, my coworkers and I were presented with ways to utilize both the right and the left – a strategy intended to enhance leadership skills. First, we were given a handout listing the characteristics of each…

Left Side Brain: Logical, Analytical, Scientific, Mathematical, Detail Oriented, Practical, Linear

Right Side Brain: Creative, Imaginative, Present, Big Picture Oriented, Empathetic, Intuitive

Between sips of a mediocre Keurig brew, I jotted down notes like…

“Mirror neurons help us feel,” and “Did Einstein enjoy comedy?” 

As the slide show went on and my coffee grew colder, I began to self-diagnose… Could the unfun core of my being be attributed to a right side brain that completely resents the strengths of the left? Probably not – Right Side Brain seems like an ultra-hip indie film character that looks great in scarves and doesn’t pass judgment. If we’re going to point fingers, I’d say good old Lefty is a real bitch. Supporting anecdote? Here goes…

Last night I gave yoga a second chance. I breathed, I stretched, I Namaste’d…Heck, I even enjoyed the fifteen minute guided meditation. The dusty gym floor turned to sand beneath my body; the smell of industrial strength Lysol more refreshing with each ocean wave. This was a safe place – one where a fresh pedicure was not a prerequisite for removing your socks. Right Side Brain thanked me… Captain of the Anti-Meditation Squad made me oversleep by an hour and a half this morning. Screw you, Lefty; I still made it to work on time.

Unfun Fact: Punctuality is appreciated, but not as much as quick Listerine rinse.

UNFUN WEEKLY ROUNDUP [SOMETIME LAST WEEK]

8 Apr

I know I typically post the Unfun Weekly Roundup on Friday, but hey – there are no rules. (At least that’s what I would say had I been cast as a free-spirit.) Honestly though, some of this news was just too shitty to let slip by…FIVEGoing for Gold: Word on the street is – Ryan Lochte wants Kim Kardashian’s life. Who needs 11 Olympic medals, when you could be an exotic fur-wearing globetrotter, spending your afternoons promoting milkshakes and sunless tanner? Lochte, who will be starring in an upcoming reality TV show on E! explained, “Kim started from pretty much nothing, and now everyone everywhere knows who she is. That’s what I want to do.” A good first step is adding Ray J to your LinkedIn network.

FOURGosling for Life: Ryan Cabrera got a new tattoo – a portrait of Ryan Gosling’s face on his calf. Let me take a minute to refresh your memory…Ryan Cabrera was that guy with the hair who sang “On the Way Down” and dated Ashlee Simpson. Apparently he was taking part in the ol’ pastime dubbed tattoo roulette. It’s when you choose the design for your friend’s tattoo and then blindfold them until it’s finished. This is slightly dumber than it is unfun, but hey, he can always cover it up with a handsome tribal band.

THREEMy Kind of Thief: A 34 year-old Illinois man was arrested by New Jersey police with 21 tons of stolen Muenster…that’s like 3 adult male elephants if you need a point of reference when it comes to weight. The man obtained the cheese when he provided false paperwork to K&K Cheese in Wisconsin. With a refrigerated truck and $200,000 worth of product, he set off with the dream of selling it at a discounted price to the black market along the east coast. Ultimately the cheese will be inspected and remitted to local charities. It sure is someone’s lucky day…I bet black market cheese tastes so much better.

TWOAbout to Blow: Three extreme kayakers recently headed to Hawaii to film a segment for the Brazilian TV show Kaiak. Their expedition included paddling thorough a red-hot lava river next to the Kilauea Volcano – one of the world’s most active. The ocean was said to be so hot it could burn your hands (if you were curious enough to stick ‘em in.) I once bought a kayak from DICK’S Sporting Goods, and I’d be surprised if it withstood the temperature of my dishwasher – so shout out to their manufacturer! Also, do you think adrenaline junkies filter their Plenty of Fish searches strictly to licensed EMT’s?ONE

Sheer Disaster: Sheree Waterson, Lululemon’s Chief Product Officer, has resigned following last month’s shocking yoga pant recall. Approximately 17% of all women’s pants within stores were see-through. The company released the following statement, “We want you to Down Dog and Crow with confidence and we felt these pants didn’t measure up.” I never actually Down Dog in my yoga pants, but I would be embarrassed if I unknowingly exposed myself at brunch…Just kidding, those bad boys are way too comfortable to care. Namaste, girl.

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