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SUPER GOOP

15 May

gwynethMirror, mirror on the wall, who is the unfunnest of them all? Just because I’ve adopted the term, doesn’t mean I’m leader of the pack.

Gwyneth Paltrow has been getting a whole lot of press recently… People Magazine named her “World’s Most Beautiful Woman 2013,” a week prior she was Star’s “Most Hated Celebrity.” Girlfriend’s got some serious range. Whether or not we need it, the Internet has provided us with much insight into the inner workings of her life. From what I gather, her tapestry is spun of both unknowing pretention and exhausting attempts to be relatable.

Before we choose our sides of the fence – Let’s review some of Gwynnie’s most  recent unfun quotes, shall we?

On cosmetic surgery – “I would be scared to go under the knife, but you know, talk to me when I’m 50. I’ll try anything. Except I won’t do Botox again, because I looked crazy. I looked like Joan Rivers!”

Forget the Joan Rivers diss – Does it strike anyone else as odd, that a woman who consistently preaches an organic lifestyle would inject poison directly into her money maker? One innocent eye lift, and that bitch will be banned from the farmer’s market.

On the Met Gala – “I’m never going again. It was so unfun. It was boiling. It was too crowded. I did not enjoy it at all.”

I thought successfully curating a lifestyle blog and enjoying a good old museum fundraiser went hand in hand – boy was I wrong. Sounds like the only thing more miserable than walking the red carpet in Valentino Haute Couture, is having to endure a Coldplay concert in its entirety.

On lady grooming – “Every time I have a bikini wax, Cameron Diaz holds me down.”

Here is a woman who acknowledges the importance of female friendship…and when it’s not appropriate to name drop Beyoncé.

What do you say…Is it time to pass the torch?

Unfun Fact: Gwyneth Paltrow is the Starburst of A-Lister’s – a juicy contradiction.

BLACK FRIDAY ARSENAL

20 Nov

Do you hear what I hear? The interwebs are abuzz with articles like “Low-Cal Green Bean Casserole,” and “Recycled Tablescapes that Wow!” Although I truly appreciate those of you who read this blog, I’m skipping over the whole Thanksgiving-inspired post – Turkey just doesn’t do it for me.

Instead, I’ve chosen to highlight the most unfun day of the year…

BLACK FRIDAY

The day after Thanksgiving is said to be referred to as Black Friday, because retailers are “in the black” – or making a profit. As this unofficial holiday has arguably spiraled out of control, my propositions for a name change are as follows: Death by Doorbusters, Remembering Best Buy, or Nightmare in Aisle 7.

This year, stores are opening earlier than ever. Wal-Mart announced that certain locations will be opening their doors at 8:00PM on Thanksgiving…which obviously caused major employee backlash. Pretty soon retail associates will be forgoing the stuffing for Sausage McMuffins in anticipation of an 11:00AM shift. I’m actually surprised TLC hasn’t jumped at the opportunity to film Extreme Cheapskates: The Best of Black Friday…It needs to be stopped.

I for one will not be participating in this marathon shopping event. I love shopping – but the thought of being trampled on over a half-price crock pot is completely ridiculous. Not to mention, you already know how I feel about bargains.

However, if you are absolutely thrilled by the thought of long lines, lots of traffic, the scent of stale mashed potatoes, and snowflake turtlenecks at $3.99 each, then I have a list for you…

Here are 3 things you must have in your cross-body bag:

A Stack of Excel Spreadsheets: Planning is key on this special day – so make it look like you tried. Between coupons, price-match guarantees, and hourly specials, there will undoubtedly be a lot of glossy eyes and confusion behind the register. Blind them with your Black Friday Budget Matrix…’cause no one messes with that type of crazy.

A bottle of Joop: Actually, any fragrance marketed to those 65 and older will do. Something just offensive enough that those within a three foot radius start to get teary-eyed and sneezy. Imagine all of the stray elbows you’ll avoid. A little Vicks VapoRub under the nose and you’re ready for a leisurely day at the mall.

Snacks, on Snacks, on Snacks: Lines are gonna be long, you are gonna be hungry. Pick items that are small enough to fit inside your purse, your pockets, even your bra. I’m talking nuts, granola bars, perhaps a banana or two. Whatever you do, say no to leftover turkey – that tryptophan’s a real bitch.   

Unfun Fact: Don’t even get me started on Cyber Monday.

Striking a Cord

8 Nov

Corduroy

Every couple of years it seems like they’re about to make a comeback. I stay as far away from the mall as possible; breathing a sigh of relief once autumn has passed us by…But this season seams different – I’m afraid corduroys are here for good.

In my nightmares they infiltrate the market with such force that I eventually give in – the same way I did with Uggs, rain boots, and unflattering jeggings. Fortunately, I wake up and remember the first time I wore them…it wasn’t great.

I was eight when my mom finally convinced me to wear a pair of pants. I can’t quite recall what my wardrobe looked like for the first seven years of my life, but I’m guessing it was very Michelle Tanner meets Suri Cruise.

I was unaware at the time, but everything about my new pants was wrong. They were stiff, they were tapered, and the fly was no less than six inches long. If I hadn’t been in third grade, they certainly would’ve qualified me for an auto loan on a minivan, or a coveted seat on the Parent Teacher Council. My “mom jeans” came in the form of ultra-ribbed velvet, and worst of all, they were purple.

My teacher asked for a volunteer to perform long division on the blackboard, and I jumped at the chance to show off my new look. I rolled up my sleeves, smoothed out my bangs, and marched to the front of the classroom. After a quick fumble with my piece of chalk, I had successfully divided 3 into 100. As I returned to my desk, my neighbor looked at me with a weirdly satisfied grin…“When you bent over to pick up that chalk, Brad said you had a giant butt.”

This comment would have been much easier to digest had “Bootylicious” already been a number one single, or J.Lo already a household name. I should’ve known better…Even if you couldn’t see me, you could hear me coming from a mile away. The zipping of corduroy covered thighs, grazing past each other with every step.

At the end of the day, I did what any unfun, young lady would’ve done – Started an all pants band with the kid in the tear-away swishies (Take that, Brad.) I often wonder how my peers would have reacted had I told them in 2012, giant asses have their own insurance policies.

Unfun Fact: I’d rather wear a velour track suit to a job interview.

UNFUN COSTUME CONTEST

29 Oct

We all have that one friend who nails their Halloween costume every October – they somehow achieve the perfect balance of humor, creativity, and the element of surprise. Every year I wish that friend were me.

I took a look back at my previous Halloween costumes, only to realize that I’ve been unfun for far longer than I thought. Some of the lowlights include a Dalmatian, Brunette Barbie (otherwise known as Theresa), and a Subway sandwich artist.

I’m not a huge fan of store bought get-ups. Not only are they expensive, but whatever material they’re crafted from seems highly flammable. You don’t really want to be the seventh sexy nurse who shows up to the party anyway, right?

Here are my Top 3 Tips for creating an unforgettably unfun Halloween Costume:

Forget one crucial element of the look. Most of 2009 was spent with Kanye blaring through the speakers of my Volkswagen. Inspired by the emotional depth of his lyrics, I chose to dress up as a Gold Digger on All Hallows Eve. I lathered myself in metallic body paint and threw on a handful of Forever 21 karat chains. Much to my dismay, I forgot the shovel…All night people whispered about “the bitch that got the Tin Man all wrong.”

Channel a one hit wonder. Pick someone whose 15 minutes of fame is about to expire. For example – I once went to a party as “Hey Girl, Hey,” a contestant on VH1’s A Shot of Love. Her only defining characteristics were the excessive use of this phrase, and the fact that she once wore a hard hat to the elimination ceremony. This type of costume is delightfully unfun because in one year’s time you will have no idea why you dressed up like such a jackass.

Pick a partner. If you’re anything like me, social anxiety causes you to spend 80% of a party hanging by the cheese bar. A couples costume is ideal in that you now have a wingman by your side all night. The downside of these outfits is that they usually come with a 12 minute monologue on why you decided to come as a duo – and nobody’s got time for that. The bright? The empty crudité plate is no longer your fault.

Here’s a sneak peek at this year’s costume. I’ll shamefully admit I didn’t purchase a thing…the makings of a kiddie pageant queen were already living in my closet.

SKETTI

REDNECKOGNIZE

Now it’s my turn to see what you’ve come up with. There are plenty of ways to share your pictures and ideas…

  • E-mail theunfunfriend@gmail.com.
  • Post to Facebook.
  • Tweet @theunfunfriend.
  • Or leave a comment in the section below.

Be sure to submit by Friday, November 2nd! The most unfun costume will be announced Monday, November 5th.

Unfun Fact: A high calorie candy basket is at stake for the winner.

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