10 Jul

John Hancock Twitter

Fourth of July has long since been one of my favorite celebrations…. And, through the existential experiment that is this blog, I’ve finally been able to put my finger on why.

Modern day technology is absolutely terrifying – rather, I find it terrifying. Books are no longer made of paper; cars will be driving themselves within the next decade; and the only thing we’ll still be responsible for is remembering to brush our teeth every morning – although it won’t really matter because we have Skype.

The most nightmarish of all, though, is Google Glass…Nobody knows more about you than Google. Sure, the less-than-fashion-forward accessory is still in the research and development phase, (prototypes were distributed only to select applicants) but it’s only a matter of time. Soon that little friend we keep around, if only to avoid blackmail, will rest comfortably upon our temple. One wrong roll of the retina and every one of your contacts will hear about the time you asked her how zero-calorie soda works; what Kim Kardashian looks like without a weave; and at what time of day public restrooms are cleanest. Careful next time you confide in that bitch.

But – back to the topic at hand: Independence Day. When it comes to holidays, I’m not sure how meaning is translated to tradition, but any excuse to eat a bacon-wrapped cheeseburger aside from, “Hey, it’s Sunday!” works for me. While I could do without the parades, give me a healthy dose of Vitamin D and 20 minutes worth of medium-grade pyrotechnics, and you’ve got the highlight of my year. No gifts, no gadgets, just lots of DEET-free bug spray…the way our Founding Fathers would’ve wanted it. If John Adams had Twitter, I’d like to believe his bio would read “Keep It Simple, Stupid.” John Hancock’s? “Long Live Penmanship.”

Just think, someday someone will be able to go back and thank them.

Unfun Fact: I prefer my inventions much more “low-stakes.” Cronut, anyone?


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