UNFUN WEEKLY ROUNDUP [SOMETIME LAST WEEK]

8 Apr

I know I typically post the Unfun Weekly Roundup on Friday, but hey – there are no rules. (At least that’s what I would say had I been cast as a free-spirit.) Honestly though, some of this news was just too shitty to let slip by…FIVEGoing for Gold: Word on the street is – Ryan Lochte wants Kim Kardashian’s life. Who needs 11 Olympic medals, when you could be an exotic fur-wearing globetrotter, spending your afternoons promoting milkshakes and sunless tanner? Lochte, who will be starring in an upcoming reality TV show on E! explained, “Kim started from pretty much nothing, and now everyone everywhere knows who she is. That’s what I want to do.” A good first step is adding Ray J to your LinkedIn network.

FOURGosling for Life: Ryan Cabrera got a new tattoo – a portrait of Ryan Gosling’s face on his calf. Let me take a minute to refresh your memory…Ryan Cabrera was that guy with the hair who sang “On the Way Down” and dated Ashlee Simpson. Apparently he was taking part in the ol’ pastime dubbed tattoo roulette. It’s when you choose the design for your friend’s tattoo and then blindfold them until it’s finished. This is slightly dumber than it is unfun, but hey, he can always cover it up with a handsome tribal band.

THREEMy Kind of Thief: A 34 year-old Illinois man was arrested by New Jersey police with 21 tons of stolen Muenster…that’s like 3 adult male elephants if you need a point of reference when it comes to weight. The man obtained the cheese when he provided false paperwork to K&K Cheese in Wisconsin. With a refrigerated truck and $200,000 worth of product, he set off with the dream of selling it at a discounted price to the black market along the east coast. Ultimately the cheese will be inspected and remitted to local charities. It sure is someone’s lucky day…I bet black market cheese tastes so much better.

TWOAbout to Blow: Three extreme kayakers recently headed to Hawaii to film a segment for the Brazilian TV show Kaiak. Their expedition included paddling thorough a red-hot lava river next to the Kilauea Volcano – one of the world’s most active. The ocean was said to be so hot it could burn your hands (if you were curious enough to stick ‘em in.) I once bought a kayak from DICK’S Sporting Goods, and I’d be surprised if it withstood the temperature of my dishwasher – so shout out to their manufacturer! Also, do you think adrenaline junkies filter their Plenty of Fish searches strictly to licensed EMT’s?ONE

Sheer Disaster: Sheree Waterson, Lululemon’s Chief Product Officer, has resigned following last month’s shocking yoga pant recall. Approximately 17% of all women’s pants within stores were see-through. The company released the following statement, “We want you to Down Dog and Crow with confidence and we felt these pants didn’t measure up.” I never actually Down Dog in my yoga pants, but I would be embarrassed if I unknowingly exposed myself at brunch…Just kidding, those bad boys are way too comfortable to care. Namaste, girl.

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