BLACK FRIDAY ARSENAL

20 Nov

Do you hear what I hear? The interwebs are abuzz with articles like “Low-Cal Green Bean Casserole,” and “Recycled Tablescapes that Wow!” Although I truly appreciate those of you who read this blog, I’m skipping over the whole Thanksgiving-inspired post – Turkey just doesn’t do it for me.

Instead, I’ve chosen to highlight the most unfun day of the year…

BLACK FRIDAY

The day after Thanksgiving is said to be referred to as Black Friday, because retailers are “in the black” – or making a profit. As this unofficial holiday has arguably spiraled out of control, my propositions for a name change are as follows: Death by Doorbusters, Remembering Best Buy, or Nightmare in Aisle 7.

This year, stores are opening earlier than ever. Wal-Mart announced that certain locations will be opening their doors at 8:00PM on Thanksgiving…which obviously caused major employee backlash. Pretty soon retail associates will be forgoing the stuffing for Sausage McMuffins in anticipation of an 11:00AM shift. I’m actually surprised TLC hasn’t jumped at the opportunity to film Extreme Cheapskates: The Best of Black Friday…It needs to be stopped.

I for one will not be participating in this marathon shopping event. I love shopping – but the thought of being trampled on over a half-price crock pot is completely ridiculous. Not to mention, you already know how I feel about bargains.

However, if you are absolutely thrilled by the thought of long lines, lots of traffic, the scent of stale mashed potatoes, and snowflake turtlenecks at $3.99 each, then I have a list for you…

Here are 3 things you must have in your cross-body bag:

A Stack of Excel Spreadsheets: Planning is key on this special day – so make it look like you tried. Between coupons, price-match guarantees, and hourly specials, there will undoubtedly be a lot of glossy eyes and confusion behind the register. Blind them with your Black Friday Budget Matrix…’cause no one messes with that type of crazy.

A bottle of Joop: Actually, any fragrance marketed to those 65 and older will do. Something just offensive enough that those within a three foot radius start to get teary-eyed and sneezy. Imagine all of the stray elbows you’ll avoid. A little Vicks VapoRub under the nose and you’re ready for a leisurely day at the mall.

Snacks, on Snacks, on Snacks: Lines are gonna be long, you are gonna be hungry. Pick items that are small enough to fit inside your purse, your pockets, even your bra. I’m talking nuts, granola bars, perhaps a banana or two. Whatever you do, say no to leftover turkey – that tryptophan’s a real bitch.   

Unfun Fact: Don’t even get me started on Cyber Monday.

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