OH, THE HORROR!

11 Oct

Predictable, too gory, shoddy plot lines, cheesy special effects…Horror films typically bear the brunt of movie criticism. Unfortunately, most of it is true – you have to watch handfuls before you come across one that truly leaves you with goose bumps. Not to mention there are dozens of sub-genres; slashers, psychological thrillers, and tales of paranormal activity are just a few.

I tend to enjoy those that border chick flick territory. Previews that feature a budding Hollywood starlet entwined in a loosely romantic subplot reel me right in to the theatre. Then I spend an hour and a half yelling things like, “Don’t walk into that dark wooded area alone,” “You’re so stupid,” “Why aren’t you carrying pepper spray?” You’ve seen these movies – the kind in which every scary situation is so easily avoidable, you wonder why they wrote the script in the first place… It’s a good thing no one listens to me, or you would never know the pleasure of downing a King Size box of Junior Mints and an ICEE with zero judgment.

Halloween is right around the corner, and I know you’ve been dying to have a fright fest of your own. So, I’ve taken it upon myself to compile the perfect list. I wish I could say that the following 5 movies are cinematic gems – but I can’t. Some are remakes, some were simply poor decisions, and all of them are entirely unfun.

When a Stranger Calls

When a Stranger Calls

If there’s one movie on the list riddled with clichés it’s this…an isolated house, prank calls, thunderstorms, you name it. Camilla Belle plays a teenage girl; babysitting as punishment for exceeding her minutes and racking up a gigantic cell phone bill. As you may have already guessed, a stranger starts calling her – from inside the house. What results is a tense, cat and mouse scenario with lots of added shrubbery. If it were up to me she would have laid all of that he-said, she-said, high school drama onto her huntsman…literally boring him to death.

House of Wax

House of Wax

Sometimes horror movies can help catapult an actress’ silver screen career – think Jessica Biel in Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Let’s all be thankful that this was not the case for Paris Hilton. Her story starts out like plenty of others…with car trouble. Based on The Simple Life, it’s obvious this socialite is incapable of operating anything larger than a Hello Kitty cell phone. I wonder if she’s ever considered an internship at Madame Tussaud’s?

Disturbia

Disturbia

Shia Labeouf was about 20 when he played the lead role in this film, but I still pictured the goofy brother from Even Stevens. While under house arrest, Shia’s character spies some shady activity going on next door. As the drama unfolded his performance left me thoroughly entertained – what a pleasant surprise. Too bad Rihanna went and released a hit single with the same title the following year…Bitch totally stole his thunder. Bum Bum Be-Dum, Bum Bum Be-Dum Dum.

I Know Who Killed Me

I Know Who Killed Me

This isn’t the first time Lindsay Lohan has played twins, but I’m gonna go ahead and say didn’t quite nail it like she did The Parent Trap. In this film, Lindsay’s character(s) escape from a serial killer with one less hand and an amputated leg – totally a spoiler alert, but I’m just preparing those with sensitive stomachs. Ultimately, there’s a whole lot of fancy editing going on for a movie with a sub-par stigmata plot. Move this film to the top of the list if you’re looking for a double dose of troubled teen star and the color blue.

Prom Night

My favorite part about high school movies is the fact that the entire cast has typically graduated 6 years prior – The cast of this film is no exception. Imagine running from a stalker …then imagine running from a stalker in a taffeta ball gown; talk about unfun. The only thing more terrifying than this motion picture was my actual prom night. It was 102 degrees outside and my chicken cutlet bra just wouldn’t stick. Everybody found out my cup size matched my report card – straight A’s.

Unfun Fact: I’m the reason they tie down the popcorn seasonings at the concession stand.

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