Diary of a Juice Cleanse Plus

16 May

All the recent talk about beach bodies inspired me to do a little research of my own regarding popular diet trends. I thought about calling this post: The Unfun Friend Investigates – Juicing. However, that is indicative of a series of exploratory studies – and an investigative journalist I am not. That would require far too much commitment.

The concept of cleansing seems to appeal to my cohorts, as it promises a quick fix with little physical effort. Not to mention it’s favored by the A-List. I’m sure I speak on behalf of many when I say I’d love to lose 3 pounds in 36 hours just by sipping juice on my couch – no sweating involved. Instant gratification at its finest…all you need is will power.

My friend had recently purchased a juicer after being captivated by Montel Williams’ late night infomercials. He convinced me to come test it out and experience. I agreed, as I had only recently watched Julie & Julia and if Amy Powell can do it, so can I.

*  *  *

9:00 AMGood Morning! I’m dressed and eager to go. I wore my tightest pants to both lower my self-esteem and increase my level of commitment to the juice cleanse that awaits. Because my destination is an hour away, I think the safe thing to do is get a caffeinated beverage. With an iced latte in my cup holder, I continue on my journey…Technically, yes, I’ve already cheated.

Juice Cleanse – I        Me – 0

10:30 AMWe are cruising the aisles of the local market for fresh produce. The smell wafting its way over from the deli counter is a heavenly tease. Our cart is currently filled with melon, berries, and a shitload of apples. It seems as if we will be making some pretty nutritional beverages. Not like some of those other cleanses where you only consume maple syrup, pepper, and oxygen for a week. Anyone who can sustain that type of diet for more than 6 hours is undoubtedly an alien from planet GOOP.  

12:30 PMConsumed our first juice.

Apple Berry Ginger Juice

1:00 PMThe last time I had heartburn this bad was when I ate lunch at a taco truck with “LOCO” in the name. I’m not sure if it’s from the juice or from the Cajun turkey melt that you have more than likely spotted in Exhibit B…guilty.

Juice Cleanse – II              Me – 0

2:00 PMAt this point, I’m not sure we can redeem ourselves – but we decide to step it up and try a dreaded green juice. The ingredients were pear, parsley, and lemon, and it tasted like kitchen fresh grass. As you can see in Exhibit D, however, the color was delightful and I have since taken this photo to Home Depot to be paint-matched. How do you feel about accent walls?

Pear Parsley Lemon Juice

3:00 PMAt this point in the day I was expecting to feel light and airy, but all I feel is stupid. Clearly I am not cut out for this type of diet. Not to mention, I have a perfectly functional liver, which according to WebMD is naturally capable of detoxification.

6:00 PMJust finished a glass of Sangria. My friend assured me that since it is basically fruit-juice based it wouldn’t entirely ruin our already tainted cleanse…The best kind of friends are full of white lies.

Juice Cleanse – III              Me – 0

* * *

So the day wasn’t a total success. All of my mind tricks had adverse effects and I’m far too weak to resist anything labeled “baja”. I simply cannot be fooled – which is why I call this a Juice Cleanse Plus.  The “plus” is code for eat whatever the hell you want, which in my case is typically Tex­-Mex inspired.

If anybody out there is thinking about partaking in a juice cleanse, let me advise you of a few things. Unless you are toting around your bottles in a Birkin, it is not as glamorous as it seems. Also, this shit is expensive. You’d be surprised how little liquid comes out of a carrot. We spent $30 on (non-organic) produce; and don’t forget the dinner bill after that juice left us starving!

The only thing as unfun as this juice cleanse is the infomercial for the juicer itself. I’d like to get my hand on Montel’s diary…I wouldn’t be surprised if this whole juicing craze was one big ShamWow.

Unfun Fact: Eating your feelings doesn’t come cheap.


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